Short People Have All the Luck
By Matt Nawrocki 鹿尤 选注
“腿到用时方恨短”是矮个子一生难以启齿的痛楚，然而却很少有人能体会到大高个“高处不胜寒”的凄凉。作为一个身高195cm的长腿欧巴，本文作者诙谐幽默地讲述了高的痛苦、矮的优势，让人看了不禁莞尔——原来小短腿儿也有春天……I was born a tall man and it's only gotten worse since then. At 6 feet and 4 inches, I am exactly as tall as you can get before it starts frightening children. While height is a touchy subject and many people would love to be taller, I can assure you the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Short people are the ones that really have it made.我生来就高，越长越高。长到195cm时，我觉得再高点小孩子就该怕我了。身高是个敏感话题，而且很多人都想长得更高一些，但我向你保证，上面的空气并没有比下面的好到哪里去。实际上，矮个子比较有优势。Yeah, sure, being tall isn't all bad. I always get to stand in the back for group photos, so no one will ever know how often I have mustardon my shirts. People always look up to me, whether they want to or not. I went straight from young enough to ride in a stroller to tall enough to ride a rollercoaster.长得高确实也有好处。拍大合照时我总是站在后排，那样谁也不知道我衣服上常常沾着芥末。人们跟我说话时，不管愿不愿意，都得仰着头。我坐婴儿车的时候，身高就达到坐过山车的身高要求了。And don't get me wrong, being short sucks sometimes. People make the same annoying “midget” jokes repeatedly. The jokes were obnoxious the first time and hearing them another billion times hasn't helped. I'd like to personally apologize for everyone that's made one of those jokes. It just isn't possible for us tall people to be more creative, we've lost too many brain cells banging our heads on low chandeliers.别误会我。个子矮有时候确实很讨厌。人们总是拿“矮子”开玩笑。有些笑话很没礼貌，就算听上无数遍也依然觉得反感。我想以个人的名义对所有曾经被开玩笑的人表示歉意。想让我们大高个多点创意是不可能了，光是头撞在低悬的吊灯上就已经让我们失去了太多的脑细胞。The thing is, for every shelf out of reach or woman that won't date guys under 6 feet, there's an opposite problem faced by tall people. I know it doesn't seem like it, but there are plenty of situations where a shorter height is a blessing.
Who doesn't like a nice hug? Tall people, that's who. We have to either do a weird crouch thing or bend down while towering over the other person. There's just no easy way to do it. Tall women have this one even worse. They can't hug without smashing their chest into the person's face like the least subtle pick-up move ever.谁不喜欢温暖的拥抱？高个子。我们比别人高出一大截，要么得把自己身体扭得很怪异，要么就要弯下腰去。反正拥抱一下不简单。高个子女性在这方面的问题更严重，她们一拥抱就会把胸砸到对方脸上，堪称史上最赤裸裸的勾搭方式。Short people are also better dancers. Long lanky limbs make it almost impossible for tall people to do it well. To make matters worse, they stick out above the crowd on the dance floor, so no one will miss a tall dork that can't dance. Don't even think about making a tall person slow dance. That's like taking an awkward tall hug and stretching it out for an eternity of torture.个子矮跳舞也好。个子高的人四肢瘦长，根本做不好舞蹈动作。更糟的是，高个子在舞池里“鹤立鸡群”，谁都会注意到那个不会跳舞的傻大个。更别指望让高个子的人跳节奏缓慢的舞蹈，这就像是将一个笨拙尴尬的拥抱延续成了漫长永久的痛苦。Short girls also have the luxury of making the whole world see them at MySpace angles. If you're not familiar with MySpace angles, they came from a photography trick where girls took selfies with the camera way above their head because it made them look like babes on MySpace. Just imagine a life where everyone sees you like that 24/7 and always thinks you're a babe. Doesn't sound so bad to me!矮个子女孩还可以整天在MySpace上发自拍照。对MySpace不了解可以想想女孩把手机高举过头顶，那样自拍出来的照片看起来像个小孩子。试想一下，大家随时都能看到你的自拍，觉得你像个小孩儿。我觉得那样很棒！Fashion is another area where shorter people are gifted. Everything old is new again and some people that don't grow into Jolly Green Giants can still fit in their childhood clothes. Why pay $50 for a trendy vintage Ninja Turtles shirt when you can just wear the same one you had when you were ten?时尚也是上天赐给小短腿们的礼物。很多时候旧物都会重新时髦起来，那些没有长成“绿巨人”的人还能穿得上以前穿的衣服。你们直接拿10岁时的经典忍者神龟图案的短袖穿就行，何必花50美元再买一件？High fives are the coolest thing ever but tall people can only give them, not receive. If we put our hands up for a high five, we're just being jerks because the other person can't reach. Piggyback rides are just as bad. Everybody wants one from the tall guy but the only people that can give me a piggyback ride without my feet dragging are too busy playing in the NBA.
These benefits of being short are only the tip of the iceberg. You rule at limbo, you can still Trick-or-Treat, and you always have legroom. The world is your oyster, short people, so slurp it up.